I hope and pray that none of you will have to go through a divorce. It’s painful, frustrating, sad and can leave you second guessing yourself.
My children haven’t seen their biological father since November 2006. That’s over 6 years and counting. They haven’t spoken to him since Fathers’ Day 2009, over 3-1/2 years. Very sad and inexcusable if you ask me. I’ve wanted to blog about this before but didn’t want to offend anyone, but since this is my blog and platform, I will write about it because I believe and hope that it helps someone else.
It wasn’t a messy divorce, it was a messy and unhappy marriage. My ex-husband was very angry with me for divorcing him and I believe I’m the reason why he has no contact with the girls. When he moved back to California, I offered to continue paying his cell phone bill which was on my plan so my babies could talk to their daddy whenever they wanted. It was on $9.99 at the time, no big deal and it was worth it for them. One day they wanted to call him, so I gave them my cell phone and let them call him. He didn’t answer, they called him for several hours and he never picked up the phone. I dialed it for them the next day a few times and still no answer. That pissed me off, and I disconnected his phone the next day. I’m gonna pay for the line and you not answer? Maybe it was a control thing for him, I really don’t know because he hasn’t said one word to me since we separated in November 2006.
Eventually, he did get another phone and would call them every once and a while, not too often and when I answered the phone he always hung up on me. I would immediately have the girls call him so they could talk to their dad. I never tried to reason with him, it was too frustrating, I just wanted them to have a relationship with him because I knew they wouldn’t see him since he moved back to California and we lived in Missouri. I would always listen in on the conversation because my youngest always had questions when they finished talking. My girls would always tell them what they wanted, Barbie dolls, iPod, toys, toys and toys. He sent a few requests, the first birthday for each of them after he moved, that was it. I had to tell them to quit asking for things, and that’s how I started my hustle to make sure more than ever that they had whatever they needed and most of what they wanted.
I’m not gonna say it was easy, because it wasn’t but I did it without blinking, complaining and eventually without regret. I questioned myself in the beginning, I did. The girls wanted to know why their daddy didn’t love them and why he didn’t call them, and I thought for a brief moment that I made a big mistake. I remembered my ex-husband saying to me before he left that I wouldn’t be able to handle the responsibility of the house and taking care of the girls. I guess that was his way of asking for another try or to break down my self esteem. It did break me down for a month or two, then I had to get myself together for the girls and myself. He told my youngest who was 6 at the time that he was getting back together with his 1st wife and my girlfriends were home wreckers. She didn’t tell me these things until after he left, and I had to try to explain to a 6 year old why he said those things to her.
I did ask my ex-husband if we could go to marriage counseling to try and save our marriage and he turned me down, 100% no. He did try and go to my pastor, but he wasn’t in the office at the time. When I told him I wanted a divorce he was very angry with me. Should I have tried again with counseling? Maybe, but the way he shot me down the first time, I didn’t think he would change his mind. Do I wish he had a relationship with the girls? Of course, but that has died, and it’s up to them to have a relationship with him. When they ask about him which isn’t often, I tell them that he loves them. I can’t answer why he has no contact and it used to really hurt when they asked. I know enough that as they get older they will try to reach out to their dad and have a relationship with them and I support them 100% on that. He has a large family, and I want my girls to know their family and history.
I survived by the grace of God, it wasn’t me. Know he will never leave you or forsake you. Be encouraged and do what’s best for you and your family.
Hi Whitney, I’ll keep the girls and you in prayer. This is unfortunate but many props to you for making sure the girls get the best that 1 parent can offer. May the Lord continue to bless your family and we’ll keep their Father in prayer as well.
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Thanks Joi, it is but the girls are very well adjusted young women. They are my babies and I just want to make sure they are productive young women with a purpose in life. My husband has been a good father to them, it’s been a challenge with blended families, but we are making it work.
I am a product of a divorced house. My mom and dad got divorced when I was about 6 I did not see my dad again until 21. My mom never kept him from me he just never came around. When I turned 21 he came around to try to be nice my mom told me it was because he was well established and he wanted to make sure he looked good to the public. See my dad is a top business owner has been featured on some magazines and is very well to do but me on the other hand had to steal food to feed my family at one point. I remember a while back I called him to ask him to get me a car in his name and I would pay him monthly for the car note so I could get a cheaper car note so we could have a car. He told me that he had a hooptie in his junk yard I could have it had no air but I could use it. I never spoke to him again and that was about 6 yrs ago. I was hurt because he bought his stepdaughter a brand new car and paid cash for it….his stepdaughter. I have not forgiven him but I am willing to talk to him if he wanted to have a sit down conversation. I think not having a dad and having no good influences of men has made me untrustworthy of any man that comes my way even my own husband.
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Kita, thanks for sharing…I’m doing the same thing your mom did, I don’t keep them from him. It’s sad to me because my daddy was there all the way. His son is my Facebook friend and I think he did that to keep up with the girls and that’s fine with me. He will have to eventually answer to them like you dad did.
I admire your courage for this post. You are a very good mother and beautiful woman! May all of God’s richest blessings be upon you forever!!!!
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Thanks Tonya, I appreciate the kind words and connecting.
Whitney, this post really touches me, because my sister and I who are 27 and 28 now, were around your girls age when our parents divorced. It’s crazy how it still affects us in our adult age.These past few years I have put away all anger toward my dad, and we finally have a good relationship. Its not perfect, but we have one. I know my mom was hurting and that’s why it was hard, but we all have made it through and so will you guys.
Blessings,
Sherelle
Sherelle recently posted..Love Series: Go All Out or Keep It Simple
Thanks Sherelle, I didn’t realize how much I hurt for my girls until I wrote this post. I still pray that he will try to have some type of relationship with our girls, it’s never too late as you just stated. I’m glad you were able to let go of the anger and have a relationship with your dad. I’m praying and hoping for the same for my babies.
Hi Whitney, I found your blog via The Divatude Challenge and I just had to stop by. I admire your courage in posting this. I always struggle when it comes to sharing. Your girls are blessed and they will be okay because they’re being raised by a strong woman. It’s heartbreaking when a parent turns his or her back on their children. When i left my first husband, he told me point blank, “If you leave I’ll have nothing to do with our son.” I left. My son was seven months old. He’s in his 30′s now, a kind, loving and responsible man. I have two beautiful grandchildren. His sorry behind father missed so much that I pity him.
It get’s better! God Bless!
Taylor Gilmore recently posted..Loreal Paris Magic BB Cream ~ Review
Hi Taylor and thanks so much for connecting! I knew that me sharing my story would make women respond with similar stories and help those going through same thing. He is missing out, and it’s up to the girls on what kind of relationship they will have.
on the outside looking in, it seems that divorces are never easy and are especially hard on the kids involved. my parents divorced when i was very young, but my relationship with my Daddy doesn’t mirror the experience of your girls or other commenters. my Daddy was always there for me (and my older siblings who weren’t his biological children) until the day he died. you’ve done an outstanding job with raising the girls. it’s your ex’s loss and he’ll have to answer for his actions.
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Thanks, I wonder how he would react if knew (I’m sure he knows) that I’ve remarried?
This post really hits home with me. I am recently divorced with two daughters as well (5,2). I was really upset when their dad and I divorced, mainly because I grew up in a 2 parent household and I wanted that for my daughters. I realized though, I shouldn’t put them through so much hell being in an unhappy marriage, because they saw that in me every day. My ex-husband and I have a good relationship and co-parent. I am sad that couldn’t happen between you and your ex-husband. Thanks for sharing.
Britton recently posted..Three Legitimate Fears
Britton I was raised in a 2 parent household too, so I know how you feel. I’m am very happy that you and your ex can co-parent, that’s the way it should be. They have adjusted and are my shining stars.
You are a survivor. God’s grace has kept you and your girls. I am believing that HE will continue to bless you and supply all your needs!
Thank you very much, it’s all I know. Trust me it’s only by God’s grace that I survived!
Thanks for sharing your story Whitney, it was so inspiring! I adore you for having a tough heart and strong mind to cope up with this very difficult situation. I’m glad that you’ve survived this trial and made you stronger to face the new chapter of your life.
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Thank you for visiting, it was hard but we made it. The girls didn’t skip a beat, I promise you.