I hope and pray that none of you will have to go through a divorce. It’s painful, frustrating, sad and can leave you second guessing yourself.
My children haven’t seen their biological father since November 2006. That’s over 6 years and counting. They haven’t spoken to him since Fathers’ Day 2009, over 3-1/2 years. Very sad and inexcusable if you ask me. I’ve wanted to blog about this before but didn’t want to offend anyone, but since this is my blog and platform, I will write about it because I believe and hope that it helps someone else.
It wasn’t a messy divorce, it was a messy and unhappy marriage. My ex-husband was very angry with me for divorcing him and I believe I’m the reason why he has no contact with the girls. When he moved back to California, I offered to continue paying his cell phone bill which was on my plan so my babies could talk to their daddy whenever they wanted. It was on $9.99 at the time, no big deal and it was worth it for them. One day they wanted to call him, so I gave them my cell phone and let them call him. He didn’t answer, they called him for several hours and he never picked up the phone. I dialed it for them the next day a few times and still no answer. That pissed me off, and I disconnected his phone the next day. I’m gonna pay for the line and you not answer? Maybe it was a control thing for him, I really don’t know because he hasn’t said one word to me since we separated in November 2006.
Eventually, he did get another phone and would call them every once and a while, not too often and when I answered the phone he always hung up on me. I would immediately have the girls call him so they could talk to their dad. I never tried to reason with him, it was too frustrating, I just wanted them to have a relationship with him because I knew they wouldn’t see him since he moved back to California and we lived in Missouri. I would always listen in on the conversation because my youngest always had questions when they finished talking. My girls would always tell them what they wanted, Barbie dolls, iPod, toys, toys and toys. He sent a few requests, the first birthday for each of them after he moved, that was it. I had to tell them to quit asking for things, and that’s how I started my hustle to make sure more than ever that they had whatever they needed and most of what they wanted.
I’m not gonna say it was easy, because it wasn’t but I did it without blinking, complaining and eventually without regret. I questioned myself in the beginning, I did. The girls wanted to know why their daddy didn’t love them and why he didn’t call them, and I thought for a brief moment that I made a big mistake. I remembered my ex-husband saying to me before he left that I wouldn’t be able to handle the responsibility of the house and taking care of the girls. I guess that was his way of asking for another try or to break down my self esteem. It did break me down for a month or two, then I had to get myself together for the girls and myself. He told my youngest who was 6 at the time that he was getting back together with his 1st wife and my girlfriends were home wreckers. She didn’t tell me these things until after he left, and I had to try to explain to a 6 year old why he said those things to her.
I did ask my ex-husband if we could go to marriage counseling to try and save our marriage and he turned me down, 100% no. He did try and go to my pastor, but he wasn’t in the office at the time. When I told him I wanted a divorce he was very angry with me. Should I have tried again with counseling? Maybe, but the way he shot me down the first time, I didn’t think he would change his mind. Do I wish he had a relationship with the girls? Of course, but that has died, and it’s up to them to have a relationship with him. When they ask about him which isn’t often, I tell them that he loves them. I can’t answer why he has no contact and it used to really hurt when they asked. I know enough that as they get older they will try to reach out to their dad and have a relationship with them and I support them 100% on that. He has a large family, and I want my girls to know their family and history.
I survived by the grace of God, it wasn’t me. Know he will never leave you or forsake you. Be encouraged and do what’s best for you and your family.