My Conscience Has A Heart

 

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Source: Cafe Mocha Reflections via Tatiana Aviles on Pinterest

 

Several days ago, I was at Marshall’s looking around.  I was in the women’s section and I looked down to my right and saw money on the floor.  I picked it up and it was $80.  I immediately looked around to see if anyone was in the area and I was the only person.  It was weird, I went right ahead to the dressing rooms to ask the attendant how many women were in the dressing room.  She said it was quite a few and who I was looking for.  I told her that someone dropped something and I wanted to ask if anyone lost something.  I never told her what I found.  I waited to see who came out, but they took forever.  While I waited, I called my husband and asked him what I should do.  His first and only response was to turn it in, but then he said it was up to me.  

 I went to my personal Facebook page and posted the situation, looking for support, although I got the answer from the one person who’s judgment I trust the most.  I got four “keep it” responses, three from women and one from my brother.  I wasn’t the least bit surprised about my brother’s response.  Actually, I wasn’t surprised at anyone’s response.  I didn’t judge them at all.  Let me say this….when you are trying to make a decision that involves ethics, you need to dig deep within for that response.  No one can answer that question for you, not even your husband or significant other.  While I was trying to make it ok in my mind to keep the money, something deep within was telling me, you can’t keep that money, think about how you would feel if you lost $80?  That thought kept coming back every time I thought I was gonna try and walk out of that store.  Every single time.  

I went up to an associate and asked for a manager.  It took her FOREVER to come to the front of the store where I was waiting.  I asked her if anyone inquired about any lost money, she said no.  I told her what I found, not how much just that I found money.  She said I could leave it with her, and if no one claimed it after three weeks she would call me and it would be mine.  I told her to let me think about it, because now I didn’t feel comfortable with them keeping the money.  It wasn’t even my money, why was I making such a big deal out of it?  I told her to let me think about it, I walked around for 10 more minutes and it was bothering me that I had contemplated walking out of the store with someone’s hard earned money.  I left the money with the manager and she told me she would call me this Friday if no one claimed it.  I didn’t care at this point, it wasn’t for me to claim.  If the manager called me to claim the money, I’ve already decided I’m donating it to charity, I don’t want it.  I don’t need anything, I have a nice home, with all the amenities anyone could ask for.  We have food to eat, clothes on our back and a truly blessed life. 

After I got home, I logged into Facebook to check the responses and tell everyone that I just couldn’t keep the money, my conscience was kicking my behind.  As I stated earlier, almost everyone told me I did the right thing by turning in the money.  I was told that I would be blessed beyond $80, and I believe that as well.  I believe it was truly a test, God wanted to see how I handled the situation.  Too bad my daughters weren’t with me, this would have been such an awesome, life lesson for them.  It spoke to me and opened my heart and I an grateful for that.

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New Year~Fresh Start

Don’t you just love new beginnings?  In relationships, it’s always refreshing, looking forward to spending time with that new person in your life, what you will talk about as you all get to know one another better.  When you discover that you are ready to take the relationship to the next level.  The feeling of putting on new clothing for the first time, that brand new hairstyle that you just spent $125 on (that’s the most I ever spent), when flowers bloom, driving your new vehicle for the first time.  I was so ready for the new year, 2012 was a year of challenges for me.  We are settled, the move is over and it almost feels like it was a bad dream.  Almost….

I don’t set resolutions anymore, I just try to keep working on my goals and always trying to improve me…Whitney.  You would think that at my age, I wouldn’t need to improve much.  I’m always working on making me better, keeping my sanity without taking anyone out (truth for real).  Instead on focusing on what didn’t go right, I’m gonna list a few things that did work in my favor ~  I stopped putting chemicals in my hair and cut it all off, I got married and turned 50.  I am raising two amazing young women, they are good students and try very hard to make me proud of them.  I am very proud of my girls, I love them so much.

I also discovered that I can write stories about my life that people relate to, whether good, bad, funny or whatever.  I love blogging, I’ve met some beautiful women in the world of blogging and I’m beginning to see opportunities come my way.  This week I was featured as a favorite blog post on Parent Society’s Mommy Blog Hot List, their six favorite posts of the week.  To be honest, I have never heard of them, but the sight is for mom’s and building a great community.   I plan to attend at least one blogging conference this year.

I shared this last year, it’s wonderful and an alternative to New Year’s Resolutions.  It’s actually a greeting card that I purchased to send out to my closest friends.  I’m gonna have it framed, and put it right above my desk in my office…the Kitty Room as my husband calls it.  Let me know what you all think.  Thanks for your support, I truly appreciate everyone.  Have a good weekend!

 

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A Conversation With My Past

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I’ve been intending to have this conversation for a long time, but been avoiding it. There is something to say about wisdom. I guess that’s why it takes years and life experience to achieve it. Sometimes even with wisdom, you don’t have all the answers, just know that’s the way life is.  I got this idea from Rene Syler’s blog Good Enough Mother. She has a segment called “Life Lessons”, and one of the questions she asks, “What would you say to your 16 year old self?” I decided it was time to have a honest conversation with my 16 year old self.


I was a sensitive teenager, who had a great circle of friends. I couldn’t wait for us to do things to get away from home.  I had a ball when I was away from home. You see, my mother was an alcoholic who could be mean when she drank.  I would explain to my 16 year old self not to blame momma, she had a sickness, an addiction and didn’t seek help. My daddy didn’t know or chose not to seek help. My parents were very private people, only family and her close friends knew what momma was going through.  She would try to tackle it herself, I would be so proud of her, only to be so disappointed when she started drinking again. I would tell that disappointed girl, take it easy on momma, she’s trying.  She’s trying to stop because she loves her family, but addiction is HARD!


I would tell that girl, now you understand why daddy stayed with momma?  He loved her, and his family.  We were his responsibility and he wasn’t going to abandon us, not the daddy I know and love.  He wasn’t weak, not at all.  Thank you daddy for being man enough not to run when some wouldn’t have been able to handle the pressure.  You had the work ethic that allowed you to take care of your family despite the situation.  I’m sorry I ever thought that way about you, I was your girl and I wanted you to be happy.

My momma wanted me to be thin, and I wanted to be….trust me.  She told me once that no man would ever want me because I was fat. That. Hurt. Bad.  I would tell that girl, it was her way trying to encourage you to lose weight now, because it was a battle that I’m still fighting today.  I would explain to that sensitive young woman, toughen up, don’t cry, even though that still stings and probably why I have married three times.  I wanted acceptance, and I have finally accepted myself.  I would also explain to that wanna be grown young girl that sex is not a substitute for love, and giving yourself to that young man didn’t make him stay, just brought drama.  I would tell that girl that she was blessed not to be a teenaged mother or have any STD because I wasn’t practicing safe sex.  Thank you Lord for that one!


I would tell that girl to ask for help with geometry and trigonometry instead of just passing without any understanding of what I was learning. My daddy just couldn’t understand why I didn’t get it, hell I just didn’t, sorry daddy. I would explain that momma & daddy are proud of you, so relax a little more. I would tell her to make sure you stay in college, even when your parents brought you home.  Enroll in a local college and finish, because that plan to go back hasn’t happened yet.  You did get a trade later on and that’s where you discovered your creativity.


Your parents taught you some of life’s best lessons, you have a conscience, ethics, hard working because no one will give you anything and  have great style.   You realize that none of this is possible without the love of God.  I would tell that girl that your life is what you make it, you will take chances, live in different places, make friends all over the country, make good and bad decisions.  I would explain to that critical girl to keep living, you will be a parent and have a different set of challenges with a special needs child.  Parents aren’t perfect, we do the best with what we have and with love.  You did forgive your momma, she truly loved you.  

My mother died 9 years ago yesterday and I miss her so much. 

Love, 

The Woman I am Today

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Please reach out and encourage a young girl today, you never know how you could touch her life, kind words can sometimes last a lifetime.  

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Pausing to…..

With my latest news of having to move again, I thought I would pause to remind myself how blessed I am.  I don’t like complaining, especially on my blog, but sometimes it’s necessary.  I want to be as transparent as I can, just not whiny.  I have a lot to be thankful/grateful for, my health, two beautiful daughters and a husband that works hard to provide for his family.  Don’t feel sorry for me because we have to move again, there will be a blessing out of this, I just know it will.  I just recognized there was a reason I’ve been in the mind set of being alone and working through the issues in my life.  God has something better for me with my name on it.  He has been our provider at a time when we didn’t think we would make it, and I thank him every day…

Let me pause to remember that this journey isn’t just about me, I have two beautiful daughters who have been real troopers with moving and changing schools.  They’ve also had to adjust to having a new dad in their life, everyone getting adjusted to the blended family we now have.  I love them and I’m very proud of them.  I’m not the kind of mom that tells them my business but they understand the decisions I’ve made has always been in their best interest.  Mom loves you two with everything inside of me and then some.  I love you more than the whole wide world, we used to say that to each other. 

My best friend was in town this weekend, and we didn’t get to see each other because I’ve been so busy working.  I wasn’t happy about that.  I miss you girl, love you and know you are my sister.  It was good spending time with you this spring when we went to see Oprah, we were too excited and enjoyed seeing Iyanla Vanzant.  Read about it here.

I want to take the time to thank all the people who follow my blog, your comments and love as I share my life with you.  Writing has been a stress reliever, my buddy.  

Just pausing to share a few things….now time to get busy!   Have a great week everyone!

 

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Wordless Wednesday

I didn’t realize how much I missed my house until we got back and started making it a home again.  We have a lot of renovations to do, but here’s a few pictures of our hard work to make it a home so far.  The washer & dryer will be delivered tomorrow Friday!!!  That trip to the laundromat last week was a real chore and humbling, let me tell ya.

My office and the family room/man cave…

 

My kitchen, see my new refrigerator?  Can you say clearance? Yay!

 

The girls room….

 

Our room….

 

My favorite small appliance and best friend…

 

As you can see, we have a lot of work to do but we are in here and it feels good.  Don’t forget about the 31 day photo challenge, it’s been a challenge but I’m doing it.  Click here for info on participating.  Have a wonderful Wednesday!

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Like The Dew In The Morning…..

 

I went to church yesterday.  I missed the last two weeks due to work and over doing it around here.  There is a song by Juanita Bynum that I often sing when I’m spending time with God and meditating.  It’s a simple song, but to me it means to rest and let God take your troubles away.  

Like the dew in the morning, gently rest upon my heart…..

I’ve been singing it a lot lately, so that means I need to take a deep breath and gather myself and make God the center of everything.  We all get off track, it’s so easy.   That’s why last week was a challenge for me, everything was either irritating me or making me snap.  I try not to live that way, so this morning I decided it was time to regroup, and slow this journey a bit.  I can only do one thing at a time, so I’m concentrating on moving this week.  I also told the girls we would go on a “field trip” every week this month, and I’m going to keep my word on that.  I need time with them, we talk,  I listen a lot and try to explain things to them.  This week, we’ll start with the zoo.  My youngest wants to go to the Arch, I’m not so sure about that.  We’ll put it on the list.

Everything works better when you rest and put things into perspective, also I have clarity in the morning, that’s when I’m at my best.  Most of my planning and phone calls will take place before noon, while a sistah is fresh and on top of her game.  I was a mess last week, glad I took a little time and listened to God, calmed myself down.  I chose to calm and let God reign on my life.  I know we all have those moments, when we feel out of sorts or no control on anything.  What is it that you do to regroup, or turn things around when you feel you are about to fall?

This video is by Judith Christ McAllister, she is an amazing woman of God.  She did a workshop for the choir at my church in 2009, truly anointed woman and we learned a lot from her and sang out hearts out that Sunday…didn’t know I sang in the choir huh?  Have a wonderful, blessed week and be encouraged!

 



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Love Inspiration

Last night my 16 year old daughter performed at her high school’s African American Culture Showcase.  She worked the crowd from the beginning, and we were singing and  enjoying her performance.  She received a standing ovation, it was amazing!  She loves to perform, singing and acting….did I mention singing?  Last week she was in the musical at the high school.  I’m very proud of my daughter, she’s doing what she loves and enjoying her life. 

My daughter has the best optimistic, positive outlook on life, she just loves it and she truly loves the people that are special to her.  She auditioned for the school play last year and this past fall and didn’t make it.  She was very disappointed,  but after she came home and we discussed it, she was just fine. When it was time to audition for the musical I didn’t want her to audition because I just knew she wouldn’t make it and wanted to spare her feelings of disappointment, but I allowed her to audition for the musical and she made the cast!  She went to every rehearsal, practiced the dance routines and worked hard.  She did a great job at the musical.  

 I say all this because my daughter is autistic.  She was diagnosed when she was 4 years old, with Aspergers Syndrome.  Here’s Wikipedia’s definition of autism:

Autism is a disorder of neural development characterized by impaired social interaction and communication, and by restricted and repetitive behavior. These signs all begin before a child is three years old.[2] Autism affects information processing in the brain by altering how nerve cells and their synapses connect and organize; how this occurs is not well understood.[3] It is one of three recognized disorders in the autism spectrum (ASDs), the other two being Asperger syndrome, which lacks delays in cognitive development and language, and Pervasive Developmental Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified (commonly abbreviated as PDD-NOS), which is diagnosed when the full set of criteria for autism or Asperger syndrome are not met.[4]

I have been very protective of my daughter, always feeling I need to explain to people and strangers we interact with that she is autistic.  I guess I do this because people are cruel and I want to stop any rude remarks or looks when people interact with her.  She wants to interact with people all the time, but her communication skills make it difficult for people to understand her at times.  My baby doesn’t let that stop her, and trust me she knows when people are being mean to her.  She keeps it moving, and will leave people alone when they are not nice.   I had to really get her to understand that one.  The pressures that teenagers have are very stressful for them, with the recent reports of girls putting videos on YouTube asking strangers if they are pretty, drugs and grades to name a few.  Knowing those pressures, I am very proud of my daughter for being positive and having the attitude she has about life.

I’ve been in a real funk the last couple of weeks, secretly wondering why this and that isn’t working or going the way “I” want it to go.  Just this morning, I wanted to snap at the woman that parked in “my” parking space in front on my townhouse this morning.   I really wanted to say something to her.  They were going next door to do work on the vacant townhouse to prepare it for rental.  How did this woman know she parked in my space?  I know that this is a part of menopause and just life in general, that’s why I haven’t been complaining to anyone, just working it out and praying about my situation.  But let me tell ya, it hasn’t been easy, wanting to scream and shout to ease the tension.  On top of that, I have a cold I’ve been nursing this week.  My child has shown me that we need to keep our head up and remember that no matter what the situation, we should look at things positively, all the time.  God has a way of showing and giving you the answers you need.  

I was talking to a dear friend this morning who turned 50 today.  We were celebrating and chatting and talking about how blessed we are.  I told her about the performance and she knows what I’ve been through the last 16 years and celebrates my daughter with me.

We have challenges as a family, but she is a vital part of our family, and I love both of my children dearly.  She is my encouragement, my blessing from God, my oldest child.   The cloud that I put over my head has just cleared and the sun is shining.  Look around you for encouragement if you feel you don’t have any, everything isn’t as bad as “we” think they are.  Thank you sweetie for being an encouragement to your momma, I love you.   Enjoy the performance!


 

 

 

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Are You Spreading The Gospel?

 

 

Good afternoon everyone!  Went to church this morning, had a little breakfast, the girls are out and about and the Mr. is resting.  I’m on the computer doing my thing and thinking about what Pastor Clark preached on today.  His sermon today was “I’m Not Ashamed of The Gospel”, Romans 1:16-17.  When we grow in the word, we need to share the gospel with others.  We will need the gospel to move throughout the different stages of our lives.  I know for a fact that God is a healer, protector and provider.  Have you tried him?  I always want to encourage and lift women up to seek God when all else fails you.  We all have to remember because we get in our own way when times get hard, or we are in a valley.  Praying, it’s your chance to talk to God, whether it’s your daily/nightly prayer, or you just need to say a quick word or two to him.  He’s always there for us…ALWAYS.  We that call ourselves Christians, it’s our duty and His order that we minister to one another….Have a wonderful Sunday!

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