Relationships - cafe mocha reflections

Appreciation To My Readers

May 21, 2013 by Whitney 16 Comments

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I was apprehensive at first, not sure if you all would want to hear what I had to say. I stepped out on faith and went for it. You all slowly but surely embraced me and I opened up an decided to share more and more. I don’t know you personally, but I know you. You are my wonderful readers. Mostly women, parents, married and single. The majority of you are bloggers, my friend in this sometimes not so friendly community.

I am so lucky for the readers and followers I have, you all are the best. You are supportive, friendly and extremely honest about the things we discuss on this format. You all are so beautiful, creative, funny, smart and my rock. You’ve embraced my stories about my girls and husband, my menopausal-crazy ways, and all my adventures since I started blogging in December 2011. I love how we do not bring drama to each other, but can agree to disagree when we have to. Drama isn’t necessary. We have so many other things to do in life, we take the time to appreciate what each other has to say.

I always said that I could learn from anyone, and you all have taught me so much about blogging. Don’t ever think that you can’t learn from someone by their life experience or any format because you can. I’m still learning and starting to broaden my horizon when it comes to blogging. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I have a couple of things planned for you all in the near future and we are gonna have fun with it.

Blogging has humbled me in so many ways, brought out the best in me, made me think about my actions and how I could make a difference. My goal is to make a difference, explore my options and make the best of this format. Let me know what you would like to hear from me and I will do my best to make it happen, if I can’t I’ll communicate that as well. You all have made it a pleasure and I will have an appreciation very soon to thank you all for my support. MUAH!!!

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Filed Under: Inspirational, Relationships Tagged With: appreciation, blogging challenge, readers

A Challenge of Love and Marriage

May 20, 2013 by Whitney 30 Comments

Hey everyone, happy Monday. Today I’m gonna share with everyone that you don’t always need to spend a lot of money to have fun. This past Friday was my 1st wedding anniversary. My husband took the day off so we could hang out and spend the day together. The finances were very low because the week before it was Mother’s Day and we just didn’t have it. We decided to take advantage of some good old fashion sight seeing. I was excited, because I still haven’t seen everything here in St Louis and I’ve been here almost 3 years.

I mentioned Friday at The Cafe about how we went down to Laclede’s Landing and the Gateway Arch, didn’t cost us a thing other than parking which was $1.00. This location is downtown and we were on the Mississippi River, so we walked and enjoyed the scenery. It was the first time in a long time there were no expectations, stress or disagreements about anything. No distractions such as bills, jobs or other people and their problems. I had also mentioned that we went to lunch afterward, so let me be more specific about where we ate. It may have sounded like we went to a restaurant, when actually we went to White Castle. I don’t eat there much and he LOVES that place. We drove through the city, picked up our food and went home to watch a movie. Sleep hit us both before we actually put the movie in and the girls were home from school then.

We spent a total of $14 for lunch and parking. We laughed, talked and I remembered why I married him. I asked a lady if she would take our picture and that’s the memory we made. I made a promise that when things get rough to remember why we are together, and not to give up. Money comes and goes, situations causes finances to change, but we are in this together.

I started this 30 Day Marriage Challenge just to see if I could do everything on the list. Actually, it’s not anything on the list that isn’t hard, but certain things that I have neglected as a wife. I’m joining Joi at Rx Fitness Lady on her 7 day blog challenge, I may not do all 7 days, but I will participate as much as I can. The button is on my sidebar on the right, please join us and have some fun. Today is about solving a problem. My problem solving topics is how to have fun on a limited budget and my 30 day marriage challenge. Sometimes in life, it’s all about simplicity, we make things so hard. Have fun, enjoy one another and respect your marriage and/or relationships. Have a good day everyone!

Source: Cafe Mocha Reflections via imom.com on Pinterest

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Filed Under: Family, Marriage, Relationships Tagged With: 30 day marriage challenge, family, finances, love, marriage

A Mother’s Love

May 9, 2013 by Whitney 4 Comments

I have been blessed with two beautiful daughters. It’s been an experience that I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world. I didn’t have my first child until I was 33 years old, everyone in the family had given up on the thought of me having any children. Up until then, I was an aunt and had been very comfortable with that position since I was 4 years old. I was a good auntie too, especially when I got older and was able to buy good gifts and help out on an occasion.

In 1996 I had a beautiful daughter, slanted eyes and straight black hair. I just held her and looked at her and would whisper to her, momma’s gonna do everything she can to take care of you. It was bittersweet, because my family wasn’t there for her birth. A few hours after she was born they told me she had jaundice. All I heard was jaundice and brain damage. I lost my mind, I didn’t want to leave my baby at the hospital but I knew she needed the treatment. I was at the hospital with her until they let me bring her home.

Three years later, I discover that I’m gonna have another baby. Surprise, surprise! I was not expecting this because we used birth control, but you know nothing is 100% unless it’s abstinence. My mother was elated, she had told me on several occasions that she didn’t believe in having an only child. I was 37 and felt I was a bit old to be having another child. I had a difficult pregnancy with her, flu, pregnancy high blood pressure. I had to have an amniocentesis and go to the doctor every 3 weeks. It was a struggle but she looked just like her big sister when she was born in 2000, except she was my little chocolate drop.

Now I was a mother of two girls. The house was full of life, toys everywhere and all the duties that come with babies and toddlers. It’s been wonderful being their mother. I thank God for allowing me the opportunity to love, mold and show them how to be young ladies. We are entering the phase of teenage years for my youngest and adulthood for my oldest. It’s gonna be hard releasing them into this world, but I know I must do it.

My Mother’s Day gift is to have them here with me beautiful, healthy and very much loved. They want to buy something for me and I’m good with whatever they get. My parents would be so proud of them, I know they are watching over their grand babies.

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Filed Under: Family, Relationships Tagged With: children, love, mother's day, motherhood

What’s Brewing at The Cafe

April 12, 2013 by Whitney 8 Comments

Happy Friday everyone! Not much going on around here this week, work, plans, goals and dreams. I’m still holding on to the goal of working my Silpada business, but have to be realistic about it. I saw a segment on the Today show this week where working moms were interviewed and the question came up about having or going to parties for their friends who have direct sales businesses. One woman stated that she didn’t attend because it was annoying and they have the parties in the middle of the week. I do think that’s why I haven’t been able to schedule a party. I won’t give up, but it does have to go on the back burner until I make some money. I am getting more hours as a independent contractor doing customer service work. I need to help with the finances around here, got some goals and I’m gonna do some changes so we can move forward with buying another home.

Renting is turning out to be a disaster, this place has more problems and the staff is clueless. The area we live in has a great school district and we will stay until my oldest daughter graduates next year. We have a budget and try to follow it, but I admit it’s a challenge. Owning a home has so many benefits, plus it’s ours. I can’t wait until we are in the position to purchase our first home together. We are dedicated to making this happen and making sure our finances are where we need them to be. Michelle over at Divas With A Purpose has been blogging about Financial Literacy Month and has some great posts about saving and getting your financial life on track. She has some great posts on the subject, but I like this particular one, go check it out on Budgeting Basics 101.

My baby is going on a one day trip to Chicago with her school. She is so excited. I love watching her turn into a teenager, she is my baby. I’m sending her with plenty food and $50 for the Navy Pier. I thought $30 was plenty but the hubs said give her $50. Now I’ll tell her that she doesn’t have to spend it all. She will come home with $3 and say see I didn’t spend it all, and be excited about it too. They have to be at the school at 2:30am and will be back at 11:00pm tomorrow night. I will have to set my alarm when I lay down or she won’t make it.

I’m also trying to find a summer program for her. Summer school is only three weeks and it’s almost not worth it. There are two sessions at $25 each and one will be her band class. I guess budget concerns has caused the district to cut summer school this year. My oldest would like to find a part time job, and I’m not against that for the summer. My husband is even on board with her working for the summer. I would love for her to work and make her own money, it will be a great experience for her and a chance to see her maturity level.

The tornado that ran through St Louis this week spared lives, except we did have a worker for the electric company that was electrocuted while trying to restore electricity in the area of town that was heavily damaged. Very sad, saying a prayer for his family. This is my third spring in St Louis and every year during tornado season, we get hit hard here. I saw them drag the biggest branch from my neighborhood yesterday, there are tree branches everywhere. It’s cold here today, the weather here in the Midwest is crazy.

Here’s your Scandal tease…..it’s gonna be so good!!! Two more weeks!

I’m taking it easy this weekend. What’s your plans for the weekend? Make it great whatever your plans are…

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Filed Under: Family, Relationships, The Mocha Cafe Tagged With: children, family, finances, home, random thoughts, scandal, school

Do Women Have Control Issues?

April 9, 2013 by Whitney 8 Comments

I’ll be the first to admit it, I have a control problem. It may be mixed with a little OCD, but it’s mostly control. I’m working on it more and more because having to be in control of everything puts so much unnecessary pressure on us as women. We have enough to do, husband, children, work/career and about 1,000 other things. What made all of this come to mind, I was watching one of those wedding dress shows, you know where mom is watching as the daughter tries on about 3-4 different dresses and mom, family or friend doesn’t like any of them. One particular show I was watching and the mother was so determined to have her daughter wear what she wanted instead of allowing the bride to be pick her own wedding dress. The woman was just about in tears because she didn’t like the dress mom was insisting on. Let’s not add when grandma and mom is sitting there with stern faces.

I get it, I know it’s natural to control our lives. If you are raising children, we have control over their lives until they are adults and then they will let you know you no longer have that job. I have to stop myself almost everyday when it comes to my family, especially the girls. Every morning, I have to see what they are wearing to school and yes I have the final say. Most of the time, ~~95%~~ 85% ok 75% I don’t say anything, I try to let them wear whatever they want. I’m trying to teach them how to dress like young women and ironing is necessary. I don’t try to hurt their feelings, I remember how that felt, but what I’m doing is trying to get them to develop good habits on style, looking nice, neat and how people see them. I don’t even try to control to my husband, he’s not having it anyway. My mother was in control of everything, and we rarely questioned her. If we didn’t like something, we went to our own house where we were in charge.

One thing, I have to know where the money is going, I honestly don’t know if I can give that up. My husband and I have an agreement that if it cost over $200 we are suppose to bring it to each other before making the purchase. It works, because most of the time, it’s something major. It all came about when he brought home a DeWalt drill set that he purchased at Home Depot. He walked in the house and immediately started asking me if I was mad at him. My words were, what did you buy? I didn’t object, because that same day I bought my Keurig, but it was under $200. This was two years ago and it works for us and helps me with my control thing. I cringe when he goes to Home Depot, Lowes or Sam’s Club it takes everything I have not to call him to see what he’s buying. I try to go with him because he won’t purchase much when we are together.

Some women are great organizers because of our ability to control or however you want to describe it. I’m relinquishing control of things I can’t change or do anything about. I have enough going on right now and after I try to control the situation or worry about it, I have no control on the outcome, so why do that to myself. Those of us that have to control need to release unnecessary stress, it will make you sick. What about you all, do you have control issues and how do you handle it?

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Filed Under: Family, Health & Wellness, Marriage, Relationships Tagged With: children, control, finances, marriage, stress

Church, Leadership & Service

February 26, 2013 by Whitney 8 Comments

I am a child of God, not perfect, humbled and knowing his grace and mercy carries me at all times. I don’t normally talk about church issues, but sometimes you must share to give people an understanding of certain situations and to help in making a decision.

I was very involved with my church before I moved to St Louis in 2010. I was President of the choir, which gave me the responsibility of the day to day activities of the choir. We had a large congregation, nice new church and I was very happy to serve. We had one mass choir and there was a choir for the children. I was apprehensive but eager to start my new position, wanting to do a good job and impress my Pastor, who also happened to be a good friend of mine from high school. To this day, I prefer not to be personal friends with my Pastor, I want to get to know him like everyone else in the church.

Working with “church folk” can be one of the greatest challenges you could ever face. My Pastor wanted a very professional running church, which was a great expectation to have. He would say all the time that the church should be run like a corporation, requiring us to take leadership classes that would take up your whole weekend. Sometimes, I would be at the church almost everyday except Monday, the one day the church was closed. Mind you, I was recently divorced and my children were much younger. My brother lived with me at the time, so they were home with him while I was at the church. The choir had to attend weekly rehearsals, sing at bible study, workshops, and other activities throughout the year, which I had to help organize and prepare for. Now as a leader, it was my responsibility to delegate. I tried, I really did but people would remind me that they had jobs, kids and a life. I couldn’t disagree with that and so the responsibility was on me, the other officers and the choir director most of the time.

This is my current church, Shalom Church City of Peace, St Louis, MO.

I served in this capacity for a total of four years, the first two as Vice-President and then as President. Just like the Presidents before me, I endured gossip, almost being cursed out, being reprimanded for something a choir member wore or didn’t wear to cover up and countless other things. I would have to pray every Sunday morning asking God to give me the strength to endure what I’ve been assigned to do.

I’ve belonged to my new church for two years. I haven’t been active any any church activities, I admit I wasn’t ready for the work nor the drama associated with it. The last two weeks brought back memories for me at my new church. My daughter portrayed Michelle Obama in the Black History program at church and I volunteered to help and buy snacks. The associate minister asked if I would buy the 50 count box of Lays potato chips that they sell at Sam’s Club. I agreed, he asked me to get four boxes and he would reimburse me for two. Do you know those chips are $11.98 a box? Guess what? The young minister gave me a $20 dollar bill and said, I’ll get you tomorrow. Unfortunately, he never got a chance to pay me and I didn’t bring it up. Two women actually had an exchange of words over a scene in the program at rehearsal the day before the program and don’t you know the next day when we were preparing for the program, I heard one of the ladies still talking about it?

I miss participating in ministries at church and I know I need to be participating in something. I am currently looking at the different ministries that the church offers and trying to find one that is a good fit for me. Yes, I’m praying about it too. The girls want to sing in the choir, I’ll leave the singing to them this time. I know people are bringing who they are, faults and all and I’m forgiving and non judgmental (most of the time), I just don’t want to spread myself so thin that I’m burned out and don’t want to participate at all. I want to be prepared for “church folk” because if you aren’t strong enough, you will allow them to stop you from not serving and being in fellowship with people at church. We are in control of that, not other people. You also never know when people look at you that they see God in you, so you always want to take yourself out of the situation and attitudes when serving God. It’s hard I know, but it’s necessary. Tell me, do you all participate in church activities and how do you handle “church folk”?

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Filed Under: Inspirational, Lifestyle, Relationships Tagged With: church, God, leadership, volunteering

The First Time I Fell In Love

February 6, 2013 by Whitney 4 Comments

I messed up, the theme for yesterday was suppose to be for today, and this was for yesterday. All this love talk has me going I guess. I’ll probably skip some of these during the challenge because I wouldn’t have anything to write, not all of them apply to me. I can talk about the first time I fell in love though.

My parents had just dropped me off at Lincoln University, I was 18 ready to tackle this new environment and world on my own. I was nervous and excited at the same time, I remember it like it was yesterday. I was coming from the financial aid office and I saw a young man with his parents, and he noticed me. We exchanged looks as to say, we’ll find each other later.

Sure enough, that evening at the student union, we ran into each other. He was with his cousin and another guy, so he had to play like I was just another girl, you know how young men are. I was mingling, trying to hang with my new roommate, but also running into people from my hometown that I went to high school with. I noticed that he broke away from his boys and made his way toward me, I knew he would come looking for me. I was so nervous, but looking cute I must admit. He introduced himself to me and I told him my name. We started talking, what our major was, who our roommates were, what city we were from and about our families. We had a lot in common, oldest children of our parents who both had second marriages, older siblings almost old enough to be our parents. He was from Columbia, MO which is literally half way between St Louis and Kansas City, a college town. We spent the rest of the evening at the student union talking, then finally it was late and we went to our dorms.

That was Friday night and I didn’t see him until that following Monday, what was going on? Now remember, this is 1980, many years before pagers, cell phones or the internet. He went home that weekend, which was a 30 minute drive from campus. You know I had an 18 year old attitude, thought he was playing or dissing me. After his explanation, I was kind of ok, felt he could have came by the dorm and told me he was going home for the weekend. Anyway, he was sweet, kind, loved music like me and knew how to do the Kansas City two step! Yep, he was entering my heart and the boy could kiss!

Our relationship grew, I started going home with him on occasion weekends to hang out with his family and we had a ball. He had a sister 3 years younger than us and we all had a good time. He came to Kansas City to meet my family and he clicked with my family as well. I loved me some him, sure did. This was the beginning of my first love affair, elation, joy, sensuality, arguments, disappointments and heart break. I wouldn’t change it at all, not one moment.

This is one of my favorite jams by Toni Braxton and describes how we can love a man.

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Filed Under: Relationships Tagged With: first love, love, nablopomo, relationships

Friends With Your Ex?

February 5, 2013 by Whitney 2 Comments

This February challenge for NaBloPoMO is funny to me. I decided to participate because I needed a challenge and love is a favorite topic of mine.

Let me say this, I don’t hold on to the past, not for long anyway. I’m a very forgiving woman, always have been. That’s just how I operate. Being friends with my exes before marriage, hasn’t been a very successful for me because I don’t know where half of them are. I’ve lost a lot of weight since I was with them, so for selfish reasons, I would love to run into a few of them, especially the guy from college. I was soooo in love with him. He wanted to love everyone else, which is why it didn’t work. I am friends with one ex on Facebook, we dated in the mid 80′s, so we are over one another.

I’m not friends with either of my ex-husbands, but that’s more complicated than boyfriends. My girls have no contact with their biological father at all, who is my second husband. Another post, another day and I will blog about this very soon. There is no holding a grudge on my part, we should be civil with one another for our daughters’ sake.

This topic is bringing more the reality than I thought. It’s making me reminisce on how they became an “ex” in the first place? Hmmm, have you all ever thought about that? When I was dating, most of the break-ups were for three reasons: cheating, crazy men, and men wanting my money. Yep, I would break up with you if you appeared crazy to me. I wasn’t taking no chances with being abused by a man because of a bad relationship. It wasn’t worth it to me. I dated a man about 6 years ago that always talked about what a woman did for him. I immediately checked him by saying, I’m a single mother and the only people I spend money on was me and my girls. We dated for almost a year, it wasn’t a good fit and I stopped dating him. We are cordial but not friends, I wouldn’t confide in him about anything.

Wow, I was all over the place on this subject wasn’t I? I will be cordial with an ex-boyfriend or even my ex-husbands, but to hang out and talk to them on a regular basis, nope I’ll pass. What do you ladies think about this one? Here’s one of my favorite break up songs…of course it’s old school. RIP Sugarfoot, the lead singer of the Ohio Players, he died last week from heart failure.

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Filed Under: Currently, Relationships Tagged With: break up, exes, love, nablopomo, relationships

My First Crush

February 4, 2013 by Whitney 12 Comments

He was handsome, tall, thin and I was glad he was a part of my family. I was just a kid to him, he knew I loved to be around him. He was married to my only sister. I don’t think he knows to this day that he was my first crush. I wanted someone just like him, he was always kind and respectful to my parents, even after my sister divorced him. That was sad, because I wanted them to stay together because I liked going over their house. My sister was 15 years older than me, so I was truly the kid sister. I’m just a few years older than my nephews.

When I was 8 years old (I know long, long time ago), we were having a family gathering at my parents’ house. We were dancing, playing cards and having a good time. My mother decided she wanted to let everyone know that I was starting to develop, and pulled my shirt up in front of everyone to show them my training bra. My brother-in-law was there, and I remember being sooooo embarrassed when it happened, I looked right up at him. It took me a minute to get over that one and I couldn’t look at him for a while after that.

That brother drove the nicest cars, had two or three Nissan or Datsun as they used to be called Z’s, they would go fast and we always wanted to ride in them when he stopped by to see my nephews. He was an Air Traffic Controller and that made the crush even more appealing, because he had a respectable career. Broke my heart when he remarried, seriously. She was a lucky woman I thought, and they had a daughter together.

Time went on, we lived out our lives and came in contact again when my sister passed away in 1997. My family was devastated, my brother-in-law called and spoke to the family. He and I talked for about 20 minutes, he expressed to me how he still loved my sister after all those years, I was very surprised to hear him say that. I could hear the hurt in his voice. Yes, what an honorable thing, glad he was my first crush.

What about you all, did any of you have a crush on anyone? How many of you remember this song?

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Filed Under: Relationships Tagged With: first crush, love, nablopomo

A Conversation With My Past

December 26, 2012 by Whitney 10 Comments

I’ve been intending to have this conversation for a long time, but been avoiding it. There is something to say about wisdom. I guess that’s why it takes years and life experience to achieve it. Sometimes even with wisdom, you don’t have all the answers, just know that’s the way life is. I got this idea from Rene Syler’s blog Good Enough Mother. She has a segment called “Life Lessons”, and one of the questions she asks, “What would you say to your 16 year old self?” I decided it was time to have a honest conversation with my 16 year old self.

I was a sensitive teenager, who had a great circle of friends. I couldn’t wait for us to do things to get away from home. I had a ball when I was away from home. You see, my mother was an alcoholic who could be mean when she drank. I would explain to my 16 year old self not to blame momma, she had a sickness, an addiction and didn’t seek help. My daddy didn’t know or chose not to seek help. My parents were very private people, only family and her close friends knew what momma was going through. She would try to tackle it herself, I would be so proud of her, only to be so disappointed when she started drinking again. I would tell that disappointed girl, take it easy on momma, she’s trying. She’s trying to stop because she loves her family, but addiction is HARD!

I would tell that girl, now you understand why daddy stayed with momma? He loved her, and his family. We were his responsibility and he wasn’t going to abandon us, not the daddy I know and love. He wasn’t weak, not at all. Thank you daddy for being man enough not to run when some wouldn’t have been able to handle the pressure. You had the work ethic that allowed you to take care of your family despite the situation. I’m sorry I ever thought that way about you, I was your girl and I wanted you to be happy.

My momma wanted me to be thin, and I wanted to be….trust me. She told me once that no man would ever want me because I was fat. That. Hurt. Bad. I would tell that girl, it was her way trying to encourage you to lose weight now, because it was a battle that I’m still fighting today. I would explain to that sensitive young woman, toughen up, don’t cry, even though that still stings and probably why I have married three times. I wanted acceptance, and I have finally accepted myself. I would also explain to that wanna be grown young girl that sex is not a substitute for love, and giving yourself to that young man didn’t make him stay, just brought drama. I would tell that girl that she was blessed not to be a teenaged mother or have any STD because I wasn’t practicing safe sex. Thank you Lord for that one!

I would tell that girl to ask for help with geometry and trigonometry instead of just passing without any understanding of what I was learning. My daddy just couldn’t understand why I didn’t get it, hell I just didn’t, sorry daddy. I would explain that momma & daddy are proud of you, so relax a little more. I would tell her to make sure you stay in college, even when your parents brought you home. Enroll in a local college and finish, because that plan to go back hasn’t happened yet. You did get a trade later on and that’s where you discovered your creativity.

Your parents taught you some of life’s best lessons, you have a conscience, ethics, hard working because no one will give you anything and have great style. You realize that none of this is possible without the love of God. I would tell that girl that your life is what you make it, you will take chances, live in different places, make friends all over the country, make good and bad decisions. I would explain to that critical girl to keep living, you will be a parent and have a different set of challenges with a special needs child. Parents aren’t perfect, we do the best with what we have and with love. You did forgive your momma, she truly loved you.

My mother died 9 years ago yesterday and I miss her so much.

Love,

The Woman I am Today