Now that it’s officially spring, time to do a little cleaning. That also includes your closet and anything else that you are holding on to that you need to let go of. Some of the clothes you are holding on to are for two reasons, to lose the weight, or come back in style. I know, I have those same outfits in my closet. You are probably reading this thinking, I’m not about to get rid of this suit, I paid $350 and it’s a designer suit. When I bought it 20 years ago, I promised myself the I would never get rid of it, even though I haven’t worn it in 10 years. This woman is crazy.
Sometimes we must stop to laugh at ourselves, our situation and what’s going on in our life. My husband must have realized that I have a lot on me, because he’s been helping with the planning for the move a little more. Good for him, because I was two steps from going on strike. This morning though, I’m rushing to get my daughter to school early for her science project, get my husband to work and take care of everyone, when I went out the house looking like this….
I wear this scarf on my head at night and to protect my hair under winter caps. My entire family, everyone in the house let me go out in public this morning and no one said, ummm you gonna put a hat on or anything like that? I didn’t realize I drove around this morning looking like this until I got home and reached to take my hat off and pulled off the scarf!! I was horrified! I called my husband and asked him and I quote “why did you let me leave the house with just my scarf on?” He mumbled something about I thought you knew. He had me driving around trying to get him breakfast this morning, the only reason we didn’t go to McDonald’s was because the line was too long, thank goodness for that.
After I got over myself, I laughed for 5 minutes at what I imagined people said when they saw me this morning. I don’t think no one at my husband’s job saw me, not that it mattered. Trust me, I’ll have it on this afternoon when I go pick him up. It’s cool here, and I keep my hair twisted if I’m not going out and put on my scarf AND cap. I’m not sure what I can attribute this act to, menopause, forgetfulness (which is menopause), or just life and one of those things. Who knows, all I know is I’ve reached a new level of “oh well”. I’m a woman like most of you who cares about her appearance, because of the standard we set for ourselves, not what people expect. In the winter here in the Midwest, I will wear a hat until I get to my destination, then comb my hair.
My parents told me when I was a baby, they all got in the car and drove off without me. They hadn’t been parents in 15 years, so I guess it took a minute to get used to me being around. Have you ever done something like this before, just had a blank moment? That’s what I’m gonna call it…a blank moment.
I love being a mom, my girls bring me joy and I’m proud of them. I don’t try to live through them, I support their endeavors and dreams. I also know that I must have my own interests because they will not be my babies forever. With that said, my youngest and I have really been having some rough days here lately. When I say go west, she wants to go east. If I say that’s enough, she has one more word. It’s been going on for about 6 months, but it’s really starting to get to the point where we are butting heads. We have been like oil & water, menopause vs puberty. This girl is the spitting image of me, strong will, opinionated, smart and loving. She also has a temper, will disagree with you if she feels she is right and wants to have the last WORD. I laugh when I’m sitting alone thinking about her, but like my mother, I want her to know when to shut it down. Shut. It. Down. I mean it too.
Last week, she got in trouble for talking in class and had to be removed, got a C- in science (a subject she loves) during mid term and almost destroyed her trumpet trying to fix the small dent that was in it. I just looked at her and said…what’s going on? She started making up excuses, I know she doesn’t want to disappoint me, but I’m trying to teach her how to tell the truth and face the circumstances. My husband and I think it may be due to the moving, I’m certain of that and puberty. She has also started hanging out the streets with her friends, and they like to walk up and down the neighborhood. Now call me old fashioned, but back in my day, the only girls that walked the streets like that were “fast” girls. When I call her on her cell phone, she has the nerve to not answer and tell me sometimes, telling me her phone was on silent. I knew deep down inside that we had to make changes and fast. I sat her down and explained that I didn’t like her walking up and down the streets, looking for things to do. She of course had her reasons/excuses, but I explained that she had to go to a friends house, and if they weren’t home, she had to come home. She didn’t like it, but understood. My husband has now entered the scene…it wasn’t pretty either. He’s firm, but fair. He told her she will stop the back talking, no street walking and continue to do good in school. She tried to cry, but agreed to what he said.
This is where I realized I was doing her more harm than good. I actually felt sorry for her, but I knew we had to make some changes with her attitude and actions. I couldn’t believe I felt sorry for her, but she’s my baby and yes she’s spoiled. They are both spoiled, but my oldest is very calm, doesn’t like confrontation and mild mannered young woman. Puberty has hit my youngest with a hard punch. She started her period about three months ago, I knew that was coming. She also has been through a lot in the last few months, I do understand. She’s turning into a young lady and she’s taking me and menopause with her. Bless her heart and I’m praying hard!
Today is a new day. I am feeling so much better, glad I finally went to the doctor. I’m getting back to the old me, happy, spirit filled, loving woman full of life. I miss that, and relationships of the past. My priority was for me to feel better, the rest will follow. The night sweats are better, I can tolerate them and I’m able to sleep better. My thoughts are clear, and I wonder why I thought I could go through menopause without any help.
I wanted to be strong, the woman who could do it without any help, tough it out. That was too much pressure, I had to do what was right for me. Why do women put so much pressure on themselves, to be perfect, superwoman and handle everything? Then when we fall, we hit hard. Well I’m glad I took that pressure off myself and my family.
I have one more test that I need to do, and hopefully I’ll get a clean bill of health….other than the weight I need to lose, but hey I can handle that. I got a flu and tetanus shot, mammogram and pap smear done. That other test….a colonoscopy, ugh. According to the timeline, a woman should get one at age 50. I won’t bore you with the details, but I’m gonna have the test done.
I love fall, it’s one of my favorite times of the year. Time to get apple cider, snuggies, booties and anything to help keep me warm. I also love going to the pumpkin farms, where they have the hayrides, pumpkins and games for the girls to play. Ok, so they are a little old for that, but we still love going. I’m ready to enjoy the season as this year turns the corner for the last quarter of 2012. This is the first tree I noticed that started turning colors, can’t wait for the others.
One thing I must remember is how precious life is and not take anything for granted. I’m so blessed to have this life and I should try to live it to the fullest. The adventures, trials, triumphs, whatever this journey brings, I must tackle it head on. Thank you Lord for keeping me! I’ll be back to my schedule next week. Have a great weekend.
This past weekend, Iyanla Vanzant’s new show “Iyanla, Fix My Life” debuted on OWN~Oprah Winfrey Network. Those of you that watched know that Evelyn Lozada was on and it was an emotional show filled with crying, digging deep and some down right truth. Not sure what Evelyn got out of it, that’s what it did to me. I don’t watch “Basketball Wives”, but I know from TV about Evelyn and her antics. I am a very big fan of Iyanla Vanzant, I believe the show is gonna be a big hit for the OWN Network. Between my Twitter timeline and watching the show, I was busy….then I started to think about the things Iyanla was saying to Evelyn, and applying them to my own personal life. It’s easy for us to look on the outside and judge, but when we start to look at our own life, it’s a little more complicated. I could also tell from my Twitter feed that women were relating to what Iyanla was telling Evelyn. We all have our own story, but I know that a several years ago, it was my desire in life to be loved. I didn’t realize at the time that in order to be loved, I needed to truly love myself and my life.
Speaking of feeling broken, I went to my appointment today, and by the time I ran everything down to the nurse I was balling. I told her that I was tired of fighting menopause by myself and needed some help. There are so many options that’s available to women today. This was my first time with this new doctor and I appreciate the time she gave me and really talked to me as well as listen. Her name is Dr Shequita Richardson, and with her help we came up with a plan to help me take control of my emotional and physical well being. She gave me a prescription, also told me I could take Estroven and with diet, exercise and the medication I believe I will be on my way to feeling like myself again. She told me what I already knew, but I wanted to know for sure, with the medication it will help battle the depression. I sure hope so. She wants to see me again in a month.
Throughout it all, I am a strong woman and I’m so glad that I was able to reach out for help. Prayer works, I know it does I’m a witness…but when you have the symptoms that you can’t seem to shake, it’s time to reach out for help. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers for me, I truly appreciate it.
This video is from Oprah’s Lifeclass when they came to St Louis. I was in the house and enjoyed it!
I’m making an appointment to go see my doctor for a physical today. That’s saying a lot because I don’t like going to the doctor, at all. Two reasons: I’ve always had a weight problem and I’m afraid they will find something wrong with me. I would always get the lecture about my weight, so I did something about that in 2003. I’ll blog about that on another post. Friday I felt like crap, I couldn’t stay cool, my head was racing from everything I’ve got going on and I was on edge for no reason at all (to my family). You see, this is part of menopause and it’s time I stop trying to handle this on my own and get some professional help. I talked with a friend Friday who I’ve been knowing since I was 5 years old. We’ve been through a lot together, and we were just discussing our lives. I was telling her how I was feeling, we laughed at the situation and when we finished our conversation, I decided I was tired of feeling this way and I’m gonna make an appointment.
I was talking to my husband yesterday morning and he told me I sound like I may be battling some form of depression at this time. Who, me?? After I thought about it, I know it has to be menopause, the “thing” that my mom and other women her age didn’t like talking about. It was never discussed, just called “the change”. We are a different kind of woman today, the internet is our resource to everything. I will “google” something in a minute, but I can’t on this. I’m tired of being exhausted, hot, irritated and not feeling myself. Gotta bad case of the blues, mixed with a does of menopause.
One of the things I’m gonna try and do twice a week is just to get out of the house if it’s just to go around the corner. I need to get out especially before it gets too cold, but I’ll welcome that because I’m so hot all the time. I don’t like being in clothes, because my hot flashes are that bad. We went to the commissary yesterday afternoon and I had my window down and the sunroof open and I looked over and husband was complaining about how cold he was. It was 75 and beautiful, but we found a middle ground and rolled up the windows and left the roof open.
I’ve been going through this for the last three years, but the intensity of it has increased in the last six months. I’m researching hormone replacement therapy so I can ask about it when I go to the doctor. Pray for me ya’ll because I want to get back to where I was, get my energy, body temperature below 120 degrees, and stop feeling like the crazy lady.
I have a doctor’s appointment next Monday, so glad I took that step. You all don’t know how hard it was for me.
This is the face and story of a middle aged woman….
I started receiving invitations from AARP about 5 years ago via email. I was kind of offended, I wasn’t old enough for AARP yet, at least I thought so. Each time I would get something via email or mail, I would joke about it on Facebook. One friend told me that they offer great discounts and I should check it out. Discounts? I sure will, I’ll take advantage of any membership that offers discounts, period. My husband will ask about a military discount in a heart beat. I don’t blame him, he earned it. Ok fast forward 5 years, I have liked the AARP page on Facebook, and they posted a question asking people to name the Kardashian’s in order. People started going off about who cares and why would they post something so stupid? I could name Kim, Kourtney and mom Kris, that’s all. I still can’t think if the others without hitting the Google. It made me think, do we become less accepting when we get older? These people were really cranky about the question, I mean going off saying they should focus on other things instead of the Kardashian’s. It was just something for fun, a trivia question. Criticize the Kardashian’s if you want, but Kris Jenner is a hell of a good business woman. Has she made mistakes? Yes, but that comes with business. Lighten up people, I don’t plan to lose my sense of humor or act like I’m ready to be put in the nursing home.
There is another page on Facebook that I’ve liked, “Black Women Are Sexy”, they show different pictures of women, write positive affirmations and other interesting things black women may be interested in. They posted a picture of a woman this morning, giving her name and age. She was 47 years old and had on a short dress that was fitting and hitting her curves. People cut this woman up so bad, mostly women. I don’t like how the internet has allowed people to be mean to the point that it’s hurtful. I realize when you upload pictures on the internet, you take your chances. Check it out here, it’s not a look that I would do, but that’s what makes us different, and we have the right to wear our hair and the kind of clothing that we please. Most of the responses were from younger women that kept saying, her body is ok, she looks good for her age like she was 70. Here’s one thing about black women, if you take care of yourself from those early adult years, you know…..when others are abusing drugs or drinking heavily, staying up all night, heavy partying, then when you are 45 and up you will be able to hold on to your looks. I can only speak for myself. My class reunion was two years ago, and time hadn’t been kind to some of the women, but I’m telling you, it was because of the abuse they put their bodies through when we were younger.
One of the reasons I started this blog was to blog about my journey, and to support women over 40. We don’t really have a platform, we get an article here or there. We have a magazine, but they changed it to add women age 30. When I was 30, I wasn’t thinking about age 40 until I had a baby at 38. I want to brand myself, the middle aged diva. Life is what you make it at any age. As my momma used to say….keep on living. Isn’t that the truth.
The last few days I have been in a serious funk….gotta lot going on, moving, finances and then a big disagreement with the Mr. I don’t know about you, but fights with your spouse/significant others can shut you down. It was a big one, the kind that leave you not talking to each other. Of course we are past it, but I can’t seem to get past the moody mess I’m in. The mood swings I have along with the personal hot summers has got to be the two things that drive me crazy with menopause. I haven’t really been out of the house for the last 3 or 4 days, think that has anything to do with it? I’ve been so busy with planning this move, I just haven’t had the time to get out, and I’ve been working as much as I can from my customer service job, I missed church Sunday. I really hated that. I started not to even blog about it, but that’s what this blog is for….share my story on being a middle aged woman, 2012 style! I’m all over the place today, as you can see. I’m working so much now because my birthday week, the week of July 1-7 I’m not doing much at all. Yes, it will be all about me for that week, you only turn 50 once. I’m starting it off with going to see Will Downing, I am so excited! Well I hope we are going, it’s June 30th. I haven’t seen him in about 8 years. The Mr and I really like going to concerts, I’m taking him to a concert on Father’s Day. It’s an old school group for the 70′s, The Dramatics. We tried to go last year, the venue sucked and we left. That’s his gift for Father’s Day, plus we’ll go get something to eat after church.
It will be nice to get back to living in my house, I actually miss it. I put in on the market when I moved to St Louis in 2010, which was a bad time for real estate. I had plenty of traffic, and one offer from an investor. He offered pennies, and we actually were gonna accept his offer until we realized we could move back to the house, fix it up ourselves and sell it for a profit. That’s exactly what the guy was gonna do.
These pictures are memories we had from our house in Kansas City, my youngest is almost as tall as me now. Can’t wait to get back, create a few more memories….I feel better already! How do you get out of a moody funk? Be encouraged, I am!
I’ve been slipping lately….feeling like I’m all over the place. I haven’t exercised all month. Yes I know, and believe it or not I miss it. On Monday’s, I always go to Rene Syler’s Good Enough Mother to listen to her Monday Morning Motivation and today it was about things we need to do for personal growth. Rene was on point with her advice today because I haven’t been focusing like I need to. The first thing I did this morning was get out my planner and write down my agenda for today. I’m sticking to it! It’s amazing, because without it, I would spend 20 minutes working on a project, stop in the middle of that project and go to something completely different which to be honest with you, was either a social network that would totally distract me or something around the house. I like this, I’m focused and calm, working and listening to some jazz as I write. One thing I decided to do was to schedule time to do my social media and read other blogs, and really stick to that one. This activity can and does take hours because I get caught up reading and socializing, which can last until 10:00 pm. That’s late because I start my day at 5:30 am.
Since I started blogging and building my brand, one of the things I do is take plenty pictures of myself. I had my daughter take a couple of pictures of me yesterday after church and decided two things; to continue exercising and invest in a good camera! I walked 2.3 miles this afternoon and although my knees are killing me, I’m glad I got out and walked. I use the app Pedometer to keep track of how far I walk, time, steps, and calories that I burn. I also use Lose It! to keep track of what I eat and my weight. I usually take pictures with my iPhone, which sometimes it takes very good pictures. I have a Kodak 35mm, 10.3 mega pixel camera that I’ve had for about 4 years. I used it the other night when my daughter had a concert at school, and it was awful for distance. Later this year, I’m going to have some pictures taken by a photographer.
Menopause is a time in a woman’s life when her body changes and I’m determined to not let it get the best of me. I remember my OB-GYN told me that I would gain weight, cry for no reason and have mood swings with menopause, and I’ve experienced all of those symptoms. I want to be a healthy, happy middle aged woman with goals and aspirations. Keep praying for me while I achieve my goals, build my brand and tackle menopause! Have a good week everyone!
I often look back at my life and wonder how did this happen? None of us have the same story, where we are from, how we were raised, where we went to school, who our friends are, who we married, if we married, what we do for a living.
I believe that we all have a wonderful story, one full of life, love, successes, failures and everything in between that. I’m not ashamed of my life, not at all. I’ve had some regrets. I’ve married and divorced twice. I have two beautiful children from my second marriage. I have learned great life lessons from those relationships, and had to allow myself to love again so I could be a wonderful mother to my girls. I do not beat myself up about the decisions I’ve made with my life. I’ve learned the hard way to pray about every situation and let it go. I’m a work in progress, but I believe in the power of prayer.
Since I’ve semi-retired, changed jobs or whatever we call it, I’ve had time to reflect on living my life to the fullest. I worked for AT&T for over 11 years, it paid a good salary, allowed my kids and I to live in our home, and have a great life. I didn’t think I would ever leave other than being forced out. I was my own enemy when I worked there, I’m not gonna completely blame the company, because in the end, they have the final say. I’ll admit that I stayed because of what is expected and because of my responsibility to my family. If it wasn’t for my try at love again, I would still be working at AT&T.
I’ve had the opportunity to take a break, reflect on my life and explore my options. I like being self-employed, making my own hours and being responsible for my future. I no longer apologize for who I am, what I look like, what I do or how I raise my children. I’m living my life, my way. Living my life includes loving my music, wearing my hair natural, being casual, relaxed and writing and developing my blog. To be honest with you, it’s a form of therapy for me. I share with you because I know that at some point you have the same thoughts and issues that I have. We may not all have the same issues, but we have them.
Do you live your life the way you want to? It’s so free, try it…..